From the French existentialist Satre, who divided the human existence into the person that we are when we’re alone (completely free, the true self) and when we’re watched (conforming to other’s expectations), to Erving Goffman who divided these selves into the beautiful allegory of The Front-Stage to The Back-Stage, many philosophers asked themselves who are we when we aren’t performing.
One thing is certain, everyone adjusts their behavior to the social setting that they are in. As in many other aspects, there are degrees of how much someone is being themselves while interacting with others or how much they are suppressing themselves just to fit into a box. After having many talks about this with men I can conclude that women by far are more likely to put up an act during social interactions. There are many studies that back this up too (insert studies)
So, we can say that in society, men’s acting is at the kindergarten festivities level, needed but done in a slightly clumsy way, while women’s performances are at a Hollywood, Oscar winning level.
So far we only have the theories of male philosophers when it comes to putting up a mask every time you’re around someone. But what about the women?
We’re not only putting a mask on when we’re not alone. We are forced by society to fit into a box and stay there even when we are alone in hopes that by doing so, we’ll finally be worthy. For us, it’s not about finding your true self, but about molding it into a less frightening caricature that won’t make the patriarchy uncomfortable. This mask represents the way to stay safe and integrate into society.
Maybe for men the mask comes off when they’re alone, but when does ours? Who am I when my mask is off? Hard to say…Years of brainwashing from each and every source possible is hard to erase. And so is discovering what do I truly like. My true interests and passions. What do I like when I overcome the fear of being judged, the fear of not being feminine enough, the fear of being boring? If I could do some things for the rest of my life without anyone knowing, what would I do?
Imagine that freedom. Imagine being able to do whatever you enjoy without hearing the ticks of a clock. A clock meant to remind you that by every second that goes by you are closer to having to give up the things you hold dear. All because eventually you will have to fulfill your life’s purpose and become a wife and a mother.
And even having the freedom to do what your heart wants is a privilege that lots of women don’t even have. For some women, doing what they want, even for a few years until they follow the path that society has prepared for them is something they can’t even dream of.
And this isn’t even just about passion. It’s also about what you like. We’re taught to like pink because it’s feminine. We’re taught to like dresses for the same reason. We’re taught that romance films are for girls and action ones are for men. We’re taught to like hobbies like cooking, hosting, sewing and everything tied to tradition. That’s where the paradox begins. We have to like all these things but not too much. And we must like them in specific ways.
I wish for a world where every little girl gets to try every hobby they are attracted to without being judged. I wish for a world where every little girl gets to learn about their favorite subject. I wish for a world where every woman had the time and the freedom to pursue whatever passion they had, without the pressure that they won’t have time to care of their homes by doing so. I wish for a world where every girl and every woman got to discover their true selves. No censure. No restraints. No holding back. I wish for a world blessed by all the beautiful spirits that are held back by the societal standards.