I can’t lie, I’ve had plenty of beautiful moments in my childhood. I grew up playing outside from sunup to sundown in the summertime and doing each and every goofy thing that children are supposed to do, and I consider myself extremely lucky to be one of the girls that have had the opportunity to be an actual child.
As I grew up and started to learn more and more about feminism and sex inequality, I realized that some parts of my childhood weren’t so normal after all. Another significant thing that helped me realize that a typical girl’s upbringing in the Balkans isn’t fair was comparing my experience to the ones that the guys close to me have had.
Some aspects that stuck with me were having to be polite and even caring towards all the boys my age because `you never know who could be your future husband`. Imagine being 12 and being told to keep a classmate close because thanks to his looks and his family background, he would make a good husband once I finish school.
As long as I can remember, everything that I’ve done was meant to eventually please my future husband. Had a bad day? Don’t overreact, your husband won’t like that. Didn’t feel like thoroughly cleaning my room every single day? What good is a lazy wife? Eating `too much`? No man will marry a girl that doesn’t look like a model. An eight-year-old didn’t have the patience of an adult? No man will sit beside a woman that isn’t patient with him. Having a preference regarding literally anything? Guess what? No man wants to put up with a spoiled brat. Having initiative and leadership skills? Don’t worry, honey, be obedient to your husband, those are just motherly instincts. Don’t even get me started on being `too opinionated`. That is a big NO.
Of course, all those character traits that have been engraved into my brain by all these standards weren’t meant just to transform me into a good housewife. Actually, in my environment, the standard was to be a full-time housekeeper, cook, nanny and go to work. Because how can a poor man make enough money to support an entire family? So, naturally, on top of having the pressure to perform 24/7 for a man that I didn’t even meet, nor I even knew if he existed, I had to make sure that I exceled in everything that I did school wise.
I’ve had to be all of those things to make sure that I won’t end up alone and without a family. But what was I taught to look for in a man you may ask. Well… The one and only standard was for him to not be physically abusive. Mind you, emotional and phycological abuse weren’t even on the `to avoid` list. They were portrayed as just silly little mistakes that men can’t help, because that’s just how they are. That’s right, a man had just to exist and not beat me for him to be a perfect husband in society’s eyes. All while I had to perform 24/7, sacrifice my hopes and dreams, suppress my personality and keep my opinions to myself, starve myself, do all the housework and have a good paying job. Just to be able to get the most average man to love me. Doesn’t sound like fair trade, right?
Being finally aware of the way that I was raised, I can wholeheartedly say that girls are raised in a manner that was designed to make sure that even the most average man that has nothing to offer but mediocre companionship can earn an unpaid maid, surrogate, nanny, personal cook and emotional support. All thanks to the lie of romance that we’ve been fed through fairytales and Disney movies. All the fairytales, each and every movie, end up with the wedding. There is no continuation. Implying that marriage is the end goal. Every girl is molded into believing that her wedding day is going to be the most beautiful and significant day of her life. No personal accomplishments, no degrees, no huge promotion, not exploring the places that you’ve always dreamed of and not making a change in the world. These are just side quests so your husband can say that he has a spectacular wife.
But what about the boys? Do they dream of their wedding day? Are they taught to be good husbands? Of course not. For them, marriage is just a tick to check on their long bucket list. Women are disposable and easy to replace, while we are taught to love deeply each man that enters our life hoping that by pouring our all into them, we’ll earn a husband that will cure our loneliness. There might’ve been some conversations for them about respect and giving flowers from time to time but nothing else. While our whole existence revolved around them and making them happy.
All this psychological labour is being thrown upon some little girls. The crippling anxiety regarding the way you look and the way you do every single thing. All the qualities transformed into flaws meant to keep women obedient. These can make you turn into a shadow of who you are truly meant to be. The constant stress, the lingering fear of ending up alone, of not being enough deeply affects a person and haunts them for years until healing, if not even forever. I assume that a huge number of people reading this can relate to these feelings and I send my best to all of you.
As you can imagine, this kind of upbringing is turning women into masters of tolerance. Not in a good way though. Unfortunately, we are taught that tolerating disrespect is the price we pay to be in a relationship. I consider myself lucky because I was rebellious in a weird way. Even though I conformed to most of the values that have been imposed on me since I was little, I realized my value pretty early on. When a boy was disrespecting me on the playground or at school, I would always pay it back to him. Luckily, I brought this thing into my relationships and friendships later on. Of course, I had moments when I slipped, but nothing that left me scared emotionally. On the other hand, my heart has been broken for the girls that I’ve met along the way that didn’t have self-respect. Way too many beautiful women inside and out tolerate emotional abuse, serial cheating, being used for their bodies, and many other horrible things in hopes of being loved back one day.